this is a beautiful poem! very well done!

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"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity - and I'm not so sure about the universe" ~ Albert Einstein
>Mit deem Leben ist es wie mit dem Brot - es wird hart, wenn man es nicht genießt<

Oh Justin-
This poem is amazing! Those 2 hours sure did pay off. You went from despair to happiness and acceptance in one poem in which shows me you're a great writer! I sure do like your style of writing, it is one I might just model in my next poem hmm well anywho great job you sure do deserve a You rock!

thank you

But what I can say is that the time span for that poem compared to my life In 2 hours I wrote an account of my life for the past 6 years there maybe a few bumps in the road to true happiness but I'm willing to work through them ^^ I know the final destination will be a beautiful one

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To the World you are one person, but to one person you are the world
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My older brothers wouldn't let me play Twister when they played....so I put some Vasiline on the colored circles........Left leg BROKEN!!!!

Nicely put, you seem to have a great outlook on life, that's a good thing to have!

Incredible poem, Justin. Really...I hope you believe it was worth the work, because I do.

*Sigh * I haven't posted anything in far too long, but my life has been so insane... One of these days I'll post my Christmas carol parodies...and maybe a winter poem.

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"Everyone is a dream weaver, but some have more material then others, and some people have a broken sewing machine." ---Me

Very nice

I think in some ways this has improved a lot from previous poems I've read, but it still has some of the little kinks to be worked out.

The symbolism is pretty good for the most part, but some of it is a little cliche, and some of the rhyming seems forced. To help get rid of the feeling of forced rhyming, make sure that (1) your syllable count is perfectly even between the two rhyming lines, and (2) make sure it is something that you would say in everyday life. If you say it to yourself and it sounds kinda goofy or unrealistic, then it will sound forced, like you really tried hard to find a word and had to settle for something. The beauty of rhyming comes from the feeling it invokes... a lyrical quality. But the lyrical quality is broken up a bit if the person is still thinking about why that rhyme sounded funny, or how they're supposed to read those lines together.

rhyming also helps flow, but I found in this that it didn't flow as much as it could have... I think that might have to do with the couplets. Couplets are great in small amounts like one at the end of a sonnet (Shakespeare) and such. They sort of sum things up. But this has so many that they all sort of sum things up... and that's a lot of summing up... hence the break in flow each time.

Perhaps it would help to put them together into stanzas of 4 lines each. that would create an AABB rhyme scheme. Though really an ABAB rhyme scheme would be best for not sounding forced, or better yet, an ABCB rhyme scheme. That way you can have a mix of flowery writing, and writing for rhymes. It's hard to make good metaphors and personification and such when you're concerned with rhyming and keeping syllables perfectly the same. Plus rhyming is best in small doses... a little goes a long way. That way the person isn't really thinking about the rhyme, they're thinking about the poem and how well their tongue flows from one line to the next. They're concentrating on the meaning and depth of it all.


You may also want to try non-rhyming poetry... The first 2 lines of that 4line stanza in the beginning didn't really rhyme and they sounded excellent

Other than the rhyming, everything else is pretty perfect...

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Donate 20 grains of rice playing a word game... it's addictive
"Kind words do not cost much. Yet they accomplish much." -Blaise Pascal.

Wow that is probably the largest Critique of any of my poems I guess the reason why I like it so much is the whole reason that it means so much to me

I can try to do that but I guess it is hard for me seeing as I have been so used to my ways of writing poetry

your help shall not go to waste ^^

--
To the World you are one person, but to one person you are the world
----
----
My older brothers wouldn't let me play Twister when they played....so I put some Vasiline on the colored circles........Left leg BROKEN!!!!

Oh man I believe working on the poem was worth the work and all the work involved in making me the way I am today.

Tis ok I liek jsut being able to talk to you ^^ I wouldn't care if you didn;t submit anything at all ^^

--
To the World you are one person, but to one person you are the world
----
----
My older brothers wouldn't let me play Twister when they played....so I put some Vasiline on the colored circles........Left leg BROKEN!!!!

I guessI have a great outlook on life and I know what you mean by uit is a good thing to have becuase it is always good to have something like that support you when things get down in teh dumps but there is one problem I have.... If I get to low I start to question if my outlook on life is jsut a fals hope and if I'm wasting my time.

--
To the World you are one person, but to one person you are the world
----
----
My older brothers wouldn't let me play Twister when they played....so I put some Vasiline on the colored circles........Left leg BROKEN!!!!